ANXIETY

I’m watching How To Get Away With Murder. I don’t even know why I watch it. It’s really dark, in lighting, murder and lies, but I think Viola Davis’ acting is fantastic. Annalise has just lost her baby at almost full term after a road accident. I’m emotional!

Though to be fair, I’m feeling particularly vulnerable right now. My tummy feels ginormous, my clothes don’t fit, I’m eating all the time and my feet are swollen. I’m only five and a half months along but I feel like I’ve become a special needs person. I need a footstool under my desk at work, I need to avoid standing or sitting for long periods of time, and I sleep with the pillows positioned just so, else I don’t enjoy a comfortable night’s sleep.

Gong (the baby, and no, I don’t remember exactly how we landed on that little gem) is moving slightly, and making me very aware of the fact that I’m carrying another life in me. It’s weird and it’s wonderful, and it scares the bejeezus out of me!

Everyone keeps asking me whether I’ve started shopping. Am I supposed to have done that? I can barely keep up with work and home duties and trying to have a social life and trying to manage my weight without eating the six meals my body is demanding each day.

I have a spare room I’d like to do up as a nursery (I’m team independent baby), but I haven’t bought as much as a burp cloth. Hell, I don’t even know the difference between that and muslin cloth and why I need both. My bestie sent me a list of baby things that I need to buy before Gong arrives and I swear I got tired just looking at it. Why would a little human need so much stuff?

Then I’m told I’m glowing. That’s definitely a compliment I’ve heard once in my life – and I was sure the nice lady just didn’t know the different between a glow and my super oily skin but I took it anyway. Now I walk and people tell me I look gorgeous (first time in my life, yay) and pregnancy looks good on me and sijui what, and I’m grateful, because I always feared it would make me fat(ter), spottier and irritable AF.

What they don’t see is the anxiety that fills me every time I think of the baby. I want so desperately to have a “perfect” baby, and I know I should be filling myself with happy thoughts and all that love and light, positive vibes stuff. But weh! Si I have an overactive imagination! I keep thinking about all the moms who’ve lost their babies and wondering whether I would survive it. I see moms with special needs kids and I wonder whether I would be able to handle it. I work hard to fight rising anxiety each time I go for a check-up and feel like it’s taking a little too long to find the heartbeat. I wonder whether the technician is managing me when he says everything is fine, and whether I’ll go to the doc with the results and have my world come crashing down on me when he looks at them.

I’ve replayed a million different scenarios in my head, trying to plan for this baby. But you know what? This is entirely out of my hands, and as a (moderate) control freak, it’s freaking me out! Hell, I don’t even know whether I’m ready to be a mom. I mean, I loved Gong the moment I heard the little alien-looking creature’s heartbeat, and I love it when I feel the movements especially when My Lover starts speaking and the baby almost immediately responds by stirring a little. But I’ve never been called maternal, it’s not something I can say I’ve felt either, though my nephew made me feel broody but he kind of balanced that out with his inclination to attack me or shake his head in a vigorous NO! each time he saw me.

But I can’t bring myself to start shopping and get everything ready because…what if? My biggest fear right now is losing the baby. Even typing that just made me catch my breath a little. I feel like allowing myself to get excited could jinx the entire thing, so I’m busy trying to manage my expectations when everyone is telling me I look pretty and should just really enjoy this time. I can’t help it. I feel incredibly blessed, but at the same time I’m terrified of losing this blessing after tasting it a little this past couple of months.

Is this normal? Am I overthinking things?

So each day, I pray for this child to live, to be healthy, to be our perfect little Gong.

14 Comments
  1. Welcome Back!!!!!! I think i have already found my spot and will be a regular on you motherhood posts.
    Now………about anxiety it is normal (i experienced it) so you are not overthinking things. My Goose (don’t know how it came about either) turns one this weekend and i remember one day waking up and not feeling pregnant……….i went from aching all over, sore boobs to a ball of energy overnight. I cried my eyes out and i even remember telling God that if that is what He willed then let it be done. My doctor calmed me done and did my ultrasound and i was only 8 weeks thereabout and told me he has seen it so many times with FTM’s so he totally understood.
    About shopping i also started at around six months and i still have my hand written list of items categorized so it’s not too late

    Finally enjoy this period.

  2. Welcome Back!!!!!! I have already found my corner and i will be a regular especially on your motherhood posts.
    Now anxiety…yes it is normal (I experienced it) and no you are not overthinking things. My Goose (don’t know how the name came about either) turns one this weekend and i remember when i was pregnant with her one day i woke up and didn’t feel pregnant………..i went from aching all over, sore boobs, zero energy to an energizer bunny overnight. I cried buckets and i remember praying and telling God how i would like for the baby to still be inside me but if it was His will then let it be done then i called my doctor. He was so understanding and even let me do an ultra sound at about 8 weeks just to confirm and he told me he understood the issues of FTM’s (bless his heart).
    About shopping, i started around six months with my hand written, categorized list so it’s fine.
    Finally, enjoy pregnancy (lol) and wishing you all the best.

  3. I lost my pregnancy not too long ago, it was the most depressing time of my life, I thank God for my husband who was there for me literally in every way. But when he would leave even if it’s to get me something from the fridge, these thoughts would come flooding – Did I jinx it by getting to excited, maybe if I waited to pick names it probably would not have happened. But wait atleast I was careful enough not to tell every breathing being I met that I was pregnant and could not wait to meet my babies (yeah I was carrying twins)-

    Then I remember a week after it happened, my husband as if he could read my mind said one thing that jolted me from the self crucifixion that I had going. That I should not even for one minute think I was to blame for what happened (at that point you think of course you my husband you supposed to think that) else that will mean that you also walking around thinking that it was by your doing that you even conceived those babies and in that case you can sit and come up with a plan on what you should and shouldn’t do in the future. His point was this- the fact that I even carried those babies for the period that I did was nothing but a miracle, a great honour from God. Problem with human beings is we want to Be in control of every little thing that happens, when really some things are beyond our control.

    I don’t know how far along you are now but I would say don’t over think it so bad that you forget to enjoy every moment. Marvel in the miracle that is growing in you, leave the rest to the one controlling the universe.

    Congratulations mama Gong !!!

    1. I am so sorry to hear about your loss, and appreciate you sharing your story with me; a total stranger. I wish you healing, comfort and love…you’re still a mom. And yes, I will remember your wise words and try to enjoy every moment 🙂

  4. Love your expressions! Well ‘gong’ (are the rest of us allowed to call him that?) is JUST FINE and it’s completely normal to be anxious about EVERYTHING. The first time I google doctored myself almost every week besides the usual obgyn appointments. (I was always on babycentre.com even my boss knew about my unproductity). That being said whenever you feel ready to buy a couple of things I can take you..I feel having cute little things may help ease the anxiety.

  5. Love your expressions! Well ‘gong’ (are the rest of us allowed to call him that?) is JUST FINE and it’s completely normal to be anxious about EVERYTHING. The first time I google doctored myself almost every week besides the usual obgyn appointments. (I was always on babycentre.com even my boss knew of my unproductity). That being said whenever you feel ready to buy a couple of things I can take you..I feel having cute little things may help ease the anxiety.

  6. Hello Shiro, Hello Gong. May God graciously hear you the Cultured One. Yes it’s normal, rather I was anxious too. Maybe the only consolation I would give is, that Child is God’s; you’re designated Steward. Do your best but trust that owner (God) has the future figured out.

  7. I think it was a little insensitive to compare what you are going through to a special needs person……… that’s all I have to say. You could chose anyone but a special needs person. It is a journey you might not have traveled but I do not see the necessity or logic of such a silly comparison.

    1. How does her being worried about whether she would be able to handle having a special needs child (Something most of us do think of when pregnant) translate to you as her comparing her experience to a special needs person? “I see moms with special needs kids and I wonder whether I would be able to handle it.”
      Perhaps the words ‘special needs’ triggered you but it looks like you totally misunderstood her point.

    2. Hi Gladys, thank you for checking out the blog, and for taking the time to comment. I wasn’t trying to be insensitive, and it’s clear that this is something close to you. Calling my thoughts and honesty “silly” though? Be kind, even when you don’t agree with someone’s thoughts or point of view…hope you’ll still keep reading!

  8. Welcome back!!!!!!! I have already picked my corner and i will be a regular especially on this motherhood posts.
    Anxiety………very normal especially for FTM’s so no, you are not overthinking things. My Goose (not sure how the name came about either) turns one this weekend and i was a walking mess from the day i found out i was preggers. I remember one day i was about 8-9 weeks and i woke up not feeling pregnant………i went from aching all over(used to take a cool 30 min to get out of bed), sore boobs, zero energy to the energizer bunny overnight. I cried buckets and asked God that if it is His will that i not be pregnant then may it be done…and then i called my doctor who was a lovely older man and he was so understanding and even let me get an ultrasound just so i could stop freaking out.
    About shopping, i still have my list categorized and hand written but i didn’t start till around 7 months as i was too obsessed with reading everything i could get my hands on.
    All the best in your pregnancy and take it a day at a time.
    Ooooh and by the way, start moisturizing your nipples you will thank me later 🙂 🙂

  9. Anxiety………very normal especially for FTM’s so no, you are not overthinking things. My Goose (not sure how the name came about either) turns one this weekend and i was a walking mess from the day i found out i was preggers. I remember one day i was about 8-9 weeks and i woke up not feeling pregnant………i went from aching all over(used to take a cool 30 min to get out of bed), sore boobs, zero energy to the energizer bunny overnight. I cried buckets and asked God that if it is His will that i not be pregnant then may it be done…and then i called my doctor who was a lovely older man and he was so understanding and even let me get an ultrasound just so i could stop freaking out.
    About shopping, i still have my list categorized and hand written but i didn’t start till around 7 months as i was too obsessed with reading everything i could get my hands on.
    All the best in your pregnancy and take it a day at a time.
    Ooooh and by the way, start moisturizing your nipples you will thank me later 🙂 🙂

    1. Good to know it’s totally normal! And yes, I have been heavy on the moisturising…twice a day religiously like my life depended on it 🙂

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